Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
