Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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