well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
