before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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