I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
