I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
