So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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