I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
