"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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