I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize