Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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