She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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