So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
