whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
