Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
