I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize