your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
