i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize