her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize