covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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