i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
