I'm going to jail i love you
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
