Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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