I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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