I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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