I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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