So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
