She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
