i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
