I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
