We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
