Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
