Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
