The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
