WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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