How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
