he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
