I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
the condom got lost in my hair
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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