Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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