She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize