Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
