mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
false alarm. still invincible.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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