quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
