Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize