Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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