He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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