We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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