The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
