you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize