do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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