We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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