well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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