Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dear god my vagina.
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