You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
