my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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