the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
