yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
