I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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