I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
